Days without porn: 22
It's been just over three weeks since the big incident now and I have managed to avoid any sort of relapse so far.  As I say, this hasn't been all that difficult although that scares me a little.  I'm worried that I will overcome this with little difficulty and still have all of my problems that I'm looking for it to "solve".  But still, I can only live in hope.  I went to the first session of my 16-week group therapy course on Monday and it wasn't as bad as I was fearing.  I was the youngest there by far, which makes me worry that the problem will never fully go away but hopeful because I've "caught" it relatively early.  We spoke mostly about hopes and fears.  I think it will help.

Days without alcohol: 22
No relapse here either, although this one has been more of a challenge.  It's been better recently because I've been able to control my anger so my girlfriend and haven't fought for a few days.  It's the stress of fighting that has really made me want to drink these past weeks so it's good to get rid of that as much as possible.  I have really struggled to abandon alcohol completely since theoretically giving it up in May last year so I hope that I can get totally on top of it once and for all.  I would like group help for this too but I might have to find some more time first.

I also went to a one-off counselling session at work which wasn't all that helpful.  My girlfriend and I are looking to get some couples' counselling if we can which I feel will help us both a lot.

Other than that, nothing really to report.  I feel like I'm making progress.  I hope that I can develop into a reliable adult and my girlfriend will be able to trust me again.  I know I will get better.

Days without porn: 16
I have no intention of looking at porn ever again.  That has not changed.  I am disgusted with porn and more importantly with myself and all of the things I looked at.  I have no cravings.  I don't want the horrible thing at all.  I am going to begin my group therapy on Monday, which will last 16 weeks.  I am scared of groups but it will be good for me in overcoming this part of my life as well as probably helping me communicate with people.  I know I have to do this and I am going to do it.  But I'm still worried.

Days without alcohol: 16
I think my alcohol cravings are lessening but I can't really tell.  I still get in situations in which I feel helpless and my natural thought is to turn to drink, but I know I can't do this any more.  I plan to replace pubs as a "safe place" with coffee shops.  This is going well enough so far I think. I may be about to begin living alone for a time, and this will pose difficulties because (both of) my addictions affect me far stronger when I'm alone, but maybe this is something I need to do.  I can't keep leaning on people.  I need to learn to stand up on my own so that I can be a functional member of society.  Although I may have to accept money from my parents to allow this to happen in the first place.  But I don't know.  I will pay back anything I borrow in time.


I am going to get better.

Days without porn: 14
Porn is still causing me no trouble.  I still have no intention of looking at it ever again and I'm disgusted with the thought.  From next Monday I will be beginning a 16-week course of group therapy to try and help me understand why I've done the awful things that I've done.
I did have my first steps back into sexual contact over the last few days and that was wonderful but I don't know how that will impact on my recovery.  I don't regret it but maybe it was too soon.  I just don't know.

Days without alcohol: 14
Alcohol is still by far the more pressing problem.  I'm fine when everything's calm but when I get stressed I want a drink to calm me down and when I'm upset I want a drink to drown the feelings. The last few days were looking up but of course I haven't been doing enough to prove myself and yesterday was stressful and upsetting and I'm still just as ashamed of my actions as ever.  But I successfully fought off the urges to make it 2 weeks without a drink today. I hope these urges will go away some day because they are very difficult.

I'm getting to the stage where I'm too tired to really remember anything that's happening.  I know I'm not relapsing and I don't think I'm getting many cravings, but I'm having a lot of guilt and not very much sleep.

Days without porn:  9
The only problem I'm continuing to have with porn is my worrying reaction when it is suggested to me that I want to keep looking at it.  It makes me so angry it scares me.  I've got therapy with a sex specialist tomorrow with my girlfriend, and I'm speaking via email to another professional with considerable expertise.  Lots of the things he says are right.  I need to send him an email soon but I'm too tired to even think about that right now.

Days without alcohol:  9
Still difficult.  This is probably because I've isolated myself through my actions and even though alcohol has helped me in certain social situations it's when I'm alone with it that it bothers me the most.  Especially when I'm leaving the flat after an argument I've inevitably caused to go to work where I feel like they don't like me because I'm constantly missing shifts.

I'm very worried for my girlfriend and that's also getting me down.  After an extreme incident yesterday we managed to get her to a doctor today to talk about (talking about) her problems with me and her history.  I feel so bad for what I've done to her and I'm so scared she's going to hurt herself.  I want to get drunk and wallow in a ditch somewhere.

 But I'm not going to.

Long day again yesterday.  Life is not easy at the moment.  I only have myself to blame.

Days without porn:  8
I'm still having no desire to watch porn whatsoever.  Entirely the opposite.  Last night I got furious at my girlfriend when she suggested that I wanted to keep watching it.  I was scared.  I've almost never been that angry before.  I feel terrible for scaring her.  The suggestion just makes me so angry.  Porn is a horrible horrible thing that has ruined my life.  The thought of going anywhere near it again disgusts me.
On the other hand, I've been having strong sexual desire for my girlfriend at times.  That's no good when we're in the situation that we're in but I take it as a positive sign.

Days without alcohol:  8
Alcohol is still a much bigger problem to me.  This is especially because it is something I immediately turn to when I'm down and I've been down a lot this past week.  Again yesterday on several occasions I had a powerful desire to go and get drunk to take the pain away, but I stopped myself.  It's hard and I sometimes wonder why I keep going but I (eventually) remember that there are people who care about me and I can't let them down.  At this stage that's often all that keeps me going.  I know I need to do this for myself but right now I don't value my own worth very highly so that doesn't have much impact on me.  I hope one day soon it will.

Long day yesterday on very little sleep.  I need sleep but I don't have any right to go crying about why I'm not getting very much of it.  Maybe it is helping me by not allowing my mind to think about cravings.  I felt like that was the case yesterday.

Days without porn: 7
This so far is seeming anything but a problem.  I have no desire whatsoever to look at porn and the more I consider it and my actions the more disgusted I am with it and myself.  I haven't had the slightest compulsion or urge and that must be a good thing.

Days without alcohol: 7
Again, this has been far and away the harder of the two at least as long as cravings are concerned.  It's the secondary issue in terms of what's ruined and continues to ruin my life but day-to-day it is a whole lot harder.  Yesterday I don't think I had trouble with it but this morning on the bus I had a strong desire to drink myself into oblivion to hide the shame and guilt that I feel inside.  But I know that that would not be fair to the people who care about me, nor would a single drink or a single pornographic click. 

I've made promises that I don't intend to break.

I have problems.  I can't go into them now but this is a place for me to chronicle my struggles.

Days without Porn: 6
I haven't struggled too much with this one.  I have had one "urge" to look at porn since deciding never to look at it again.  I spied a link in my junk email to a website I'd signed up for years ago and felt a twinge of the familiar curiosity.  I swiftly repressed this by thinking of the damage it would do to look at it, which I can't explain why I've so rarely managed to do before.  Sometimes I don't completely trust myself near computers, especially when I'm stressed, but I haven't had any other urges for porn.

Days without Alcohol:  6
This has been far more difficult.  I already knew this was a problem and I think it was a much larger part of my life.  I find it hard to walk past a pub without going in for a beer although I've been successful in this.  I've discussed with my girlfriend the possibility of replacing pubs with coffee shops.  But when I get very down I get very strong cravings for alcohol.  I poured away a bottle of sherry in the kitchen because that was the only way I could guarantee I wouldn't drink it.  I made my girlfriend get rid of any other alcohol lying around.  I'm not saying that porn isn't going to be difficult, but this is proving to be very hard.

Last night I was violent towards my girlfriend for the first and last time.  I don't know what came over me but I yelled at her and shook her when she was already in pain.  I can't believe what I've done and I'm so ashamed.  I will never do anything like that ever again.