Days without porn or alcohol: 179.
It's almost been six months since I last gave in to my addictions. It hasn't been an easy six months, although it has been more the fallout of my addictions than the addictions themselves causing the problems. I still long for alcohol every now and again and I hope that will go away eventually. I don't long for porn. I have found that I am stronger than I thought I was when it comes to controlling my addictions. If only I knew ten years ago that I could be so strong. My group has ended now, and I'm glad to have the time back knowing that everybody is still supporting me if I need them.
I've started to take control of my life for almost the first time. I like it. I'm happy living like this.
Saturday, 2 August 2014
Sunday, 18 May 2014
Days without porn: 103
It has been quite a while since I updated this blog, but I'm still not being troubled by this addiction. Porn is something that I still find horrible to think about and I know that I'm never going back there again.
I'm more than half way through my course of group therapy and it's been a great help to me. I don't know what it is exactly, but it's helped me think through a lot of things to do with my addiction, my relationship and my life in general. I can feel myself becoming a better person all the time.
Days without alcohol: 103
Again, I haven't had a drink since the 4th of February. This used to be very difficult, but it's getting a lot easier. I still have times when I'm upset and stressed and I'd really like a drink, but I have no intention of letting down the people who believe in me. I know I'm stronger than that.
I read a lot now. I like reading. I think it's a healthy thing for me to do. My relationship has ups and downs and I know if I keep getting better there will be more ups than downs. I am determined not just to beat my addictions, but to be a better person. That's much easier without them.
It has been quite a while since I updated this blog, but I'm still not being troubled by this addiction. Porn is something that I still find horrible to think about and I know that I'm never going back there again.
I'm more than half way through my course of group therapy and it's been a great help to me. I don't know what it is exactly, but it's helped me think through a lot of things to do with my addiction, my relationship and my life in general. I can feel myself becoming a better person all the time.
Days without alcohol: 103
Again, I haven't had a drink since the 4th of February. This used to be very difficult, but it's getting a lot easier. I still have times when I'm upset and stressed and I'd really like a drink, but I have no intention of letting down the people who believe in me. I know I'm stronger than that.
I read a lot now. I like reading. I think it's a healthy thing for me to do. My relationship has ups and downs and I know if I keep getting better there will be more ups than downs. I am determined not just to beat my addictions, but to be a better person. That's much easier without them.
Thursday, 3 April 2014
Days without porn: 58
I have neglected to keep up this blog, but I haven't relapsed at all on my addictions. Tomorrow will be two months since the awful day when everything was discovered and I gave up my addictions for good.
My group therapy is going well, and it is helping me. I have to tell my story tomorrow which is a little nerve-wracking but it is something I need to do and I am glad for the opportunity. The addiction to porn has continued not to trouble me particularly, and I feel it is something I have under control. I may soon be about to live on my own and that poses a whole different set of problems, but I think I am strong enough not to give in even if I do have temptations. I refuse to let down the people who care about me.
Days without alcohol: 58
Again, I haven't given in to this addiction either. I am proud of myself, because this has been tough. A few times I have been desperate to drink myself into oblivion but unable to get past the sense of responsibility within me to make people proud and not let them down. Again, living alone will make this even more difficult, because that is when I traditionally did most of my drinking. But I have shown that I can be strong and I plan to continue to be strong.
I am learning to stand up for myself, and I want to learn to stand up for the people I care about. I will learn from my mistakes, and I will become a better person.
I have neglected to keep up this blog, but I haven't relapsed at all on my addictions. Tomorrow will be two months since the awful day when everything was discovered and I gave up my addictions for good.
My group therapy is going well, and it is helping me. I have to tell my story tomorrow which is a little nerve-wracking but it is something I need to do and I am glad for the opportunity. The addiction to porn has continued not to trouble me particularly, and I feel it is something I have under control. I may soon be about to live on my own and that poses a whole different set of problems, but I think I am strong enough not to give in even if I do have temptations. I refuse to let down the people who care about me.
Days without alcohol: 58
Again, I haven't given in to this addiction either. I am proud of myself, because this has been tough. A few times I have been desperate to drink myself into oblivion but unable to get past the sense of responsibility within me to make people proud and not let them down. Again, living alone will make this even more difficult, because that is when I traditionally did most of my drinking. But I have shown that I can be strong and I plan to continue to be strong.
I am learning to stand up for myself, and I want to learn to stand up for the people I care about. I will learn from my mistakes, and I will become a better person.
Tuesday, 4 March 2014
Days without porn: 28
4 weeks without porn. One month (sort of). I am more determined than ever to keep this going. Porn has done a lot to destroy my relationship, and has probably helped to cause the other factors. Even if I am on my own going forward (I am seeking a place to move into) I know I can keep doing this. It will be more difficult alone but I know I have support if and when I need it. My group therapy seems like it will be a great help to me especially if I am single because my girlfriend was a large source of my motivation. But I a) need to do this for myself and b) we are trying to remain friends. I hope so, because she is my best friend and I need her. So I need to not push her away.
Days without alcohol: 28
Still managing to keep away from both. Alcohol addiction has become less of a problem recently I think. The fact that I am usually managing not to get angry has probably helped with this a lot. Again, when I'm alone it will grow again because when I was single I always used to do a lot of my drinking in my bedroom alone for apparently no real reason other than to switch off. I am still exploring other ways to keep my mind and body busy so that I don't turn to these horrible addictions. Exercise is good because I feel very productive. And if I can get myself into a book before I get restless I can fight it off, although I'm finding that it's no good as an alternative to take my mind off something that's already there.
4 weeks without porn. One month (sort of). I am more determined than ever to keep this going. Porn has done a lot to destroy my relationship, and has probably helped to cause the other factors. Even if I am on my own going forward (I am seeking a place to move into) I know I can keep doing this. It will be more difficult alone but I know I have support if and when I need it. My group therapy seems like it will be a great help to me especially if I am single because my girlfriend was a large source of my motivation. But I a) need to do this for myself and b) we are trying to remain friends. I hope so, because she is my best friend and I need her. So I need to not push her away.
Days without alcohol: 28
Still managing to keep away from both. Alcohol addiction has become less of a problem recently I think. The fact that I am usually managing not to get angry has probably helped with this a lot. Again, when I'm alone it will grow again because when I was single I always used to do a lot of my drinking in my bedroom alone for apparently no real reason other than to switch off. I am still exploring other ways to keep my mind and body busy so that I don't turn to these horrible addictions. Exercise is good because I feel very productive. And if I can get myself into a book before I get restless I can fight it off, although I'm finding that it's no good as an alternative to take my mind off something that's already there.
Wednesday, 26 February 2014
Days without porn: 22
It's been just over three weeks since the big incident now and I have managed to avoid any sort of relapse so far. As I say, this hasn't been all that difficult although that scares me a little. I'm worried that I will overcome this with little difficulty and still have all of my problems that I'm looking for it to "solve". But still, I can only live in hope. I went to the first session of my 16-week group therapy course on Monday and it wasn't as bad as I was fearing. I was the youngest there by far, which makes me worry that the problem will never fully go away but hopeful because I've "caught" it relatively early. We spoke mostly about hopes and fears. I think it will help.
Days without alcohol: 22
No relapse here either, although this one has been more of a challenge. It's been better recently because I've been able to control my anger so my girlfriend and haven't fought for a few days. It's the stress of fighting that has really made me want to drink these past weeks so it's good to get rid of that as much as possible. I have really struggled to abandon alcohol completely since theoretically giving it up in May last year so I hope that I can get totally on top of it once and for all. I would like group help for this too but I might have to find some more time first.
I also went to a one-off counselling session at work which wasn't all that helpful. My girlfriend and I are looking to get some couples' counselling if we can which I feel will help us both a lot.
Other than that, nothing really to report. I feel like I'm making progress. I hope that I can develop into a reliable adult and my girlfriend will be able to trust me again. I know I will get better.
It's been just over three weeks since the big incident now and I have managed to avoid any sort of relapse so far. As I say, this hasn't been all that difficult although that scares me a little. I'm worried that I will overcome this with little difficulty and still have all of my problems that I'm looking for it to "solve". But still, I can only live in hope. I went to the first session of my 16-week group therapy course on Monday and it wasn't as bad as I was fearing. I was the youngest there by far, which makes me worry that the problem will never fully go away but hopeful because I've "caught" it relatively early. We spoke mostly about hopes and fears. I think it will help.
Days without alcohol: 22
No relapse here either, although this one has been more of a challenge. It's been better recently because I've been able to control my anger so my girlfriend and haven't fought for a few days. It's the stress of fighting that has really made me want to drink these past weeks so it's good to get rid of that as much as possible. I have really struggled to abandon alcohol completely since theoretically giving it up in May last year so I hope that I can get totally on top of it once and for all. I would like group help for this too but I might have to find some more time first.
I also went to a one-off counselling session at work which wasn't all that helpful. My girlfriend and I are looking to get some couples' counselling if we can which I feel will help us both a lot.
Other than that, nothing really to report. I feel like I'm making progress. I hope that I can develop into a reliable adult and my girlfriend will be able to trust me again. I know I will get better.
Thursday, 20 February 2014
Days without porn: 16
I have no intention of looking at porn ever again. That has not changed. I am disgusted with porn and more importantly with myself and all of the things I looked at. I have no cravings. I don't want the horrible thing at all. I am going to begin my group therapy on Monday, which will last 16 weeks. I am scared of groups but it will be good for me in overcoming this part of my life as well as probably helping me communicate with people. I know I have to do this and I am going to do it. But I'm still worried.
Days without alcohol: 16
I think my alcohol cravings are lessening but I can't really tell. I still get in situations in which I feel helpless and my natural thought is to turn to drink, but I know I can't do this any more. I plan to replace pubs as a "safe place" with coffee shops. This is going well enough so far I think. I may be about to begin living alone for a time, and this will pose difficulties because (both of) my addictions affect me far stronger when I'm alone, but maybe this is something I need to do. I can't keep leaning on people. I need to learn to stand up on my own so that I can be a functional member of society. Although I may have to accept money from my parents to allow this to happen in the first place. But I don't know. I will pay back anything I borrow in time.
I am going to get better.
I have no intention of looking at porn ever again. That has not changed. I am disgusted with porn and more importantly with myself and all of the things I looked at. I have no cravings. I don't want the horrible thing at all. I am going to begin my group therapy on Monday, which will last 16 weeks. I am scared of groups but it will be good for me in overcoming this part of my life as well as probably helping me communicate with people. I know I have to do this and I am going to do it. But I'm still worried.
Days without alcohol: 16
I think my alcohol cravings are lessening but I can't really tell. I still get in situations in which I feel helpless and my natural thought is to turn to drink, but I know I can't do this any more. I plan to replace pubs as a "safe place" with coffee shops. This is going well enough so far I think. I may be about to begin living alone for a time, and this will pose difficulties because (both of) my addictions affect me far stronger when I'm alone, but maybe this is something I need to do. I can't keep leaning on people. I need to learn to stand up on my own so that I can be a functional member of society. Although I may have to accept money from my parents to allow this to happen in the first place. But I don't know. I will pay back anything I borrow in time.
I am going to get better.
Tuesday, 18 February 2014
Days without porn: 14
Porn is still causing me no trouble. I still have no intention of looking at it ever again and I'm disgusted with the thought. From next Monday I will be beginning a 16-week course of group therapy to try and help me understand why I've done the awful things that I've done.
I did have my first steps back into sexual contact over the last few days and that was wonderful but I don't know how that will impact on my recovery. I don't regret it but maybe it was too soon. I just don't know.
Days without alcohol: 14
Alcohol is still by far the more pressing problem. I'm fine when everything's calm but when I get stressed I want a drink to calm me down and when I'm upset I want a drink to drown the feelings. The last few days were looking up but of course I haven't been doing enough to prove myself and yesterday was stressful and upsetting and I'm still just as ashamed of my actions as ever. But I successfully fought off the urges to make it 2 weeks without a drink today. I hope these urges will go away some day because they are very difficult.
Porn is still causing me no trouble. I still have no intention of looking at it ever again and I'm disgusted with the thought. From next Monday I will be beginning a 16-week course of group therapy to try and help me understand why I've done the awful things that I've done.
I did have my first steps back into sexual contact over the last few days and that was wonderful but I don't know how that will impact on my recovery. I don't regret it but maybe it was too soon. I just don't know.
Days without alcohol: 14
Alcohol is still by far the more pressing problem. I'm fine when everything's calm but when I get stressed I want a drink to calm me down and when I'm upset I want a drink to drown the feelings. The last few days were looking up but of course I haven't been doing enough to prove myself and yesterday was stressful and upsetting and I'm still just as ashamed of my actions as ever. But I successfully fought off the urges to make it 2 weeks without a drink today. I hope these urges will go away some day because they are very difficult.
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